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I have changed my formatting... newer entries are at the top and as time
goes on, the older ones make their way to the bottom of the page...
 This is how i felt this morning...
I just made  's.... time to make..   later.. Jolie 
January 26th 2004
Now.... it has been over a month since i have update this page.... i am in a twist right
now... wanting to let everything rest where it is, and wanting to go forward... i am leaning more towards remaining as i am...
less stress.. less agravation... finding my own way in the world... schedule is hecktic... so much to do in short time frame...
no time for the ones in my life... which... i guess is the way it is with all that is happening... i would like nothing more
than to just curl up in a ball and wake up to 6 months ago.... but i know this isnt possible.. well need to get the fire back
going again.. shall continue this another time... until then.. take care.. always, Jolie
12/28/03 Sunday Morning 10:00am 
good morning.... there is nothing much to report.... just sitting here looking thru
my web page thinking how little i have done with it over the past week... there has been alot going on... mom and dad are
moving... (dana's parents) was packing and moving and all that... there is a warm fire going right now... something to take
the chill out of the air.... i will try to get back here today and chat.. have a good day and talk soon ((hugs))) Jolie
12/16/2003 1135am....
i have access to this page finally.... i am eating an egg sandwhich... of course yoke
is broke and kinda on the crispy side.... but there is no chance of it clucking at me...i am taking a break from my day to
jot down a few things.... not many, where i will have time after 2.. to work more on this... waiting for a phone call right
now.... and off i go again for more information.... but, i was too hungry to wait to eat... days tend to run into one
another.. and sometimes i forget to eat.... almost hard to imagine..... one would think your stomac would remind you.. but
i have learned to ignore that.. and drinking ginger ale is a good way to settle it.. and over time, you can actually forget
to eat... but i am trying not to... i have managed to lose more weight that i wanted to.... i am down to 116.. which with
my frame.. is not a good weight.. was always told 125 to 150.. which 25 lbs is a dramatic thing.. but i can hold my weight
well.... alot of muscle.. natural muscle anyway... ( most of the muscle is in my fingers.... LOL ) well gonna go and finish
up my sadwhich and be on with my day and when 2 rolls around i can sit and relax until 4.. at 4 i have to start dinner....
until later... hope your day is full of bright and shiny things that make you smile.... ( could hope for stars in the sky,
but it is too early... ) anyway.. until then.. (((((Hugs)))))) jolie
12/15/2003 206pm
i just got in from work.... this day has proven to be an incredibly nice one =0) weather
is great... not hot, and not cold.. the breeze is refreshing... i walked about 4 miles today.. from kingbridge subdivision,
to highway 14 intercepts woodruff rd.... something that was needed.. waiting for dana's mom to pick me up... but i really
needed the walk.. gave me alot of time to think... ( 1 hr and 22 min ) i didnt have my music with me... wishing i did while
i was walking.. but then that might have distracted me from my thoughts... danas mom picked me up.. and we went to the bank
and to the post office... i checked my mail.. alot in there again.. i should check it more often... would make it easier on
the ladies at the post office...
to my friend in indiana... thank you.. i will not open anything until christmas comes....
i sit here right now... looking at the screen... trying to find the right words to place
here... i got an email this morning from cathy... and it was a wonderful good morning letter.. i printed it and took it with
me to work.. i read it during my break... coffee... smoke and a nice email.. to read during my break =0) put a smile on my
face.....
i just pulled up a web page... and to only see that the contents are no longer...
saddened by this... now i do not know where to go =0( ... i have managed to say something that makes another person life so
unsettleing... i am sorry for any pain i have caused you with what i have done.... forgive me please... it wasnt anyhting
that you have written... it wasnt anyhting that you said... i have my own deamons to fight and this fight isnt yours... you
have been there for me, with everything that has come my way.... i wish i could explain what i am feeling inside... but this
time i am not able to... i emailed you.. and you should be recieving it about now.. if you are online.... please read it...
" =0( "
 i am exploring the inner thoughts of my mind right now... seeking any thought that i
can hold onto.. it is chilly out now.. and chilly inside... need to go and get some wood here soon... and shall be toasty
warm until later.. i say have a good day and peace be with you always... (((hugs))) jolie
12/14/2003 1018pm
Here i sit another moment allowed to journey into the unknown... allowed to put my thoughts
here.. allowed so much... something that is possibly endless.. to be able to put anything here that i wish to.. to give others
the words and thoughts from within me...
it isnt anything major.. just my thoughts placed here... nothing that is too personal..
nothing that is censcored for content...
all that i have right now... is my words... my thoughts to give...
my life is complex... getting close to a time that haunts me with each passing day...
a hearing is about to take place... to decide if someone should be a part of the common folks or to remain where there are
others like him... to understand all that has happen would take me weeks of explaining... and this isnt something that i feel
the need to do... i hurt... with every thought of that day... i fear that day.. like it will happen again... i hold onto the
realization that my heart can heal.. and the hurt can fade.. but i also know that i may have to face that day all over again...
and that is something i wish to never have to do... knowing what words are said.. what emotions come forth... pulls me apart...
i do not dwell.. i just remember.. tho... i think about it more and more as march rolls around... face to face with my fears..
face to face with something that can hurt me... how can i be free from all fo this pain??? how can i be free from what i fear???
my hopes and dreams evade me sometimes... allowing something of a tender exploration...
allowing a moment of peace... getting lost in an emotional escapade... something i need from time to time... wishing for so
much more out of these moments, but knowing any more felt would cross that line into something i am not ready to take on...
i need some release from all of this... i need to get lost inside..tho i will continue as i am...
losing myself in my writing... until tomorrow comes... i shall say good night to all.. in hopes of sweet
dreams and morning sunshine to wake in a gentle manner..... good night... ((((hugs))).. jolie
12/14/2003 613pm Sunday....
Dreams say what they mean but, not in daytime language....
any condition is first part of ones imagination, dreamed, then brought to reality...
i sit and make sense of the words that were spoken today...
it isnt that they dont make any sense, i am absorbing them to the fullest... hearing them, understanding them, feeling them,
not going as far as being them... but close to it...
conscider complete devotion, complete knowledge.. what would
you do to feel safe... where would you go, and how fast would you get there??? what would make you feel safe??? what would
it take to believe???... this is what the topic of todays conversation was.... and i didnt say anything in return.. instead
i sit here and write... thinking of what was said... what was brought to light this day.. i dont expect anything, so i wouldnt
be dissappointed if nothing came of it... i dont know if the reason i sit here and write so much is because i do not want
to face anything that is around me... " ????"
now, i find that the night is drawing near... well
night is here and sleep isnt close but it is time to get a shower and find a quiet place to think... a quiet place to listen
to music without anyone disturbing...dana is going to go get some wood.. kirk going along for the venture... i say good night
( unless i come back.. and write again.. ) good night (((((hugs)))) jolie
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12/14/2003..... i cannot
take myself away from this page... if i didnt write anymore, were would i go?? what would i do??? who would i be??? who am
i now??? am i a writer??? or is that something that since i feel i am, that i am... maybe that is a title have not earned
yet... millions of questions, and the answers are not able to be given.... i know where i would be if i couldnt write... one
of those cutely decorated stylish padded rooms, with this one of a kind jacket that not only keeps you warm and snug, but
warps your arms around yourself, so you could always give yourself a hug.... see.. i know the answer to that question... now
to find the answeres to the other 999,999.. lol anyway gonna go eat some peanutbutter toast.... =0) and drink my coffee..
til later.. jolie
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12/14/2003
This day is
here... sunday the day where communication will be vivid, where we talk and no matter what it is, it needs to be said without
consequeses... i have so much that i have to say.. and awaiting his awakening state to be... this day is allowed anything
said.. no matter how little or how large... emotions are allowed to flow freely, tears are allowed without the consoling..anger
is not allowed though.. no anger at all... i made a pact a few months ago, it didnt matter what was said on sunday, as long
as it was from the heart and of truth then it could be stated without anykind of reprocussion...
for this is the only way
anything can be said... and understood... so until this evening, i say good afternoon and shall return when my day is almost
completed..... Jolie XXXXXX
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12/12/2003 1134pm
another
day has come and gone... well amost gone it is 1136pm... i am actually tired.. i think more of the mentally tired... rather
than physically... dana is playing... well was playing priston tale.... now looking at the fire in the wood stove...
being
vague.... hmmm i have had some time to think about that.. i think my reason for being vague is because i do not know what
it is that i want in life... but then again maybe i am not in any understand of the word vague... not telling everything,
just what needs to be known??? i dont know... just pretty much trying to get my thoughts in order and putting them in the
open.... i made it to the newest poem that was submitted under my name.... and amazed at it... i had been working on that
one for a very long time and it was not finished.... well i guess that by putting it out for others to read... it is finished....
i am finding out that maybe my writing isnt as good as others feel it is... there is one in my life that doesnt see it
as good... or has yet to comment about it... neither good nor bad... not even indifferent.... almost like this person doesnt
care whether i write or not... there was a time when this person looked forard to me writing... but now.... doesnt even read
anything that i write.... such is life i guess...
an old and dear friend has come back into my life...
we always seem to lose conact.... i am hoping this time she and i do not lose one another..... i have known her for pretty
close to 7 years..... i hope she doesnt mind me talking about her =0) Cathy is her name.... I call her Cat.... i love her
dearly !!! she is always there when i am not at my highest of happiness.. and always makes me smile... seeing her name is
like a ray of sunshine... ( she calls me sunshine =0) almost ironic ) we go months... so many months without a single word
pass between us... and then out of the blue we find one another and it is almost like we have never left... that we have always
been there... an earths lifetime we have known one another... and so much more ahead !!! for now i say goodnight.... and i
shall continue this tomorrow... good night=0)..
((((hugs)))) jolie
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Todays events... It is raining out... the best part
is.... it isnt snowing =0)..
Went and checked the mail today.... had a ton there... Alot of magazines..... some basic mail..
and 2 packages... I got my business cards in today... ( didnt think they would ever come ) They are cool looking... Let's
see.... well actually I cannot think of anything else to write, right now.. I will be back later to add more... need to do
a few thing's... shall return... (((hugs))) Jolie
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